Closure at 28?
Michael Jeffrey O'Neall: Biological Father. Mom divorced him when I was about 1 or 2 because he couldn't clean up his act (an addict). While young, I was shielded from the relationship he wanted because of his alcohol/drug abuse. He made contact with me twice other than my wedding (when I was 8 and 13). I was told he wanted to be close but I kept him away because of...
Allan Duane Eastman: Adoptive Father, a/k/a "Dad". Mom married him shortly after her divorce with aforementioned Jeff. He and Mom divorced when I was 7 years old. We stayed close until I was about 9. Then his forgetfulness set in "I forgot to pick you up", "I forgot your birthday", etc. Nevertheless, we stayed somewhat close for those years up until he remarried Kim (a/k/a “the psycho”) when I was 15. It was pretty cold. I was awarded with token visits by them and the family they started from time to time but it was distant. We revisited our relationship while he went through his divorce from “the psycho”. Looked like we had made our peace until...OOPPS! He and my aunt Kristy started their fling! Needless to say, it was creepy, disrespectful and annoying on a thousand different levels. Deciding a fling wasn't strange enough, they then decided to shack up together. I was angry at both of them but swallowed up my pride long enough to call and wish him a happy birthday. He was busy and asked to call me back. That was nearly 4 years ago. Oh wait - he did call once to say my grandpa had died. Unfortunately, Elliott was the one who answered. He told Elliott he was his Grandpa. "YOU ARE NOT!", I wanted to scream. I told Elliott that Allan is not his grandpa. He asked why and I told him "Does he call you to chat? Does he come over to visit you? Does he love you and baby sit you and sing happy birthday to you?" Our last contact with one another was briefly at the funeral of my grandfather when I was 7 months pregnant with Noah. He carried yet another unkind bimbo on his arm.
While it may be a passing fancy (as this particular fancy passes every 3 or 4 years), or whether it be a product of a new year, I currently crave closure on these two similar yet very different individuals.
With Allan, I envision myself simply telling him off. Maybe asking some questions whose answers will hurt. Maybe walking away knowing I should have left well enough alone.
With Jeff (or whatever he now goes by), I have no idea what I would say or expect. For scientific purposes alone, I would like to gain genetic information. Although I'm not sure if this package is sold ala carte.
I'm perplexed.
Allan Duane Eastman: Adoptive Father, a/k/a "Dad". Mom married him shortly after her divorce with aforementioned Jeff. He and Mom divorced when I was 7 years old. We stayed close until I was about 9. Then his forgetfulness set in "I forgot to pick you up", "I forgot your birthday", etc. Nevertheless, we stayed somewhat close for those years up until he remarried Kim (a/k/a “the psycho”) when I was 15. It was pretty cold. I was awarded with token visits by them and the family they started from time to time but it was distant. We revisited our relationship while he went through his divorce from “the psycho”. Looked like we had made our peace until...OOPPS! He and my aunt Kristy started their fling! Needless to say, it was creepy, disrespectful and annoying on a thousand different levels. Deciding a fling wasn't strange enough, they then decided to shack up together. I was angry at both of them but swallowed up my pride long enough to call and wish him a happy birthday. He was busy and asked to call me back. That was nearly 4 years ago. Oh wait - he did call once to say my grandpa had died. Unfortunately, Elliott was the one who answered. He told Elliott he was his Grandpa. "YOU ARE NOT!", I wanted to scream. I told Elliott that Allan is not his grandpa. He asked why and I told him "Does he call you to chat? Does he come over to visit you? Does he love you and baby sit you and sing happy birthday to you?" Our last contact with one another was briefly at the funeral of my grandfather when I was 7 months pregnant with Noah. He carried yet another unkind bimbo on his arm.
While it may be a passing fancy (as this particular fancy passes every 3 or 4 years), or whether it be a product of a new year, I currently crave closure on these two similar yet very different individuals.
With Allan, I envision myself simply telling him off. Maybe asking some questions whose answers will hurt. Maybe walking away knowing I should have left well enough alone.
With Jeff (or whatever he now goes by), I have no idea what I would say or expect. For scientific purposes alone, I would like to gain genetic information. Although I'm not sure if this package is sold ala carte.
I'm perplexed.
posted by Felecia at Friday, January 14, 2005
4 Comments:
Sometimes I think I had it easy in relation to my dad. I tried to have a relationship, but he continually either distanced himself, or wallowed so in self-pity that any constructive, healthy relationship was impossible. When he died, I asked myself if I regretted my (non)relationship with him. I had often asked myself over the years that ever so popular question, "if he died, would I be sad...how things ended...that I didn't try harder...that I didn't persist (add your own ending)". Now that he was gone and I was standing in the remains of his charred garage I had the opportunity to really ask myself the question. Would I live with regrets for what I never did/said/tried?
no.
I regret what never was, but it wasn't because of me that we had no relationship. He was unwilling, and I think probably more accurate, unABLE to have a relationship with me. I am sad I never knew my dad. I'm sad I could not save him from his lonliness, torment and addiction. But I have come to a gentle conclusion that i just wasn't meant to. I am conforted with the knowledge taht should he ever have reached out, I would've so quickly put my hand in his.
(OK: PART 2)
So, I think you can have closure. Write a letter (whether you send it or not). And know that not having a relationship, with these men very well may be their choice, and what's best for you, and your family.
we love you Fleash!
Just because you share a last name or blood doesn't mean you are going to have a healthy relationship. These men will always have a place in your heart. One gave you life and the other helped form you life. Maybe that was the only purpose they were to have. Closure doesn't always have to be dramatic, quite closure is OK too.
Find comfort in the fact that you are loved by so many other people!
I knew there wouldn't be two better people in which to address this conundrum. In the end, it's always the question "will it be too late" that haunts us. You have both encountered and from what I can see, conquered it. Sounds crazy but I wish my childlike image could visit them in their dreams to find closure of its own. Then this 28 year old could stop looking over back.
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