Pleasing... good or bad?
People pleasing. Is it really a bad trait to have. I always refer to Elliott (and Andy, for that matter) as people pleasers. I am too. We're a family full of them, with the exception of my little man. Either he hasn't learned the behavior yet or he'll simply never be bitten by this bug.
All of my life, I have felt some sort of natural pressure to go the extra mile for day-to-day people, whether they be family or strangers. As a child, I would not only go out of my way for a friend, but for her mother too. I was always told that I was polite (much like I now hear about Elliott), and would sit around and think up ways to make somebody feel special. When I was 8, I founded the "Winner's Club" solely because my friend was being snubbed by a popular girl. Later on, if a girlfriend was dumped or heart-broken, I would drop everything and designate a special day devoted entirely for her. And now as an adult I still try for this (whether the person seems to care that I'm around or not!) Whether it's a cashier at the grocery store or a childhood friend, I want them feel they're worth the fuss.
You might have a bright and shining image of my somewhat egotistical self-impressions, but let me assure you it's no indication that I always go about it properly or consistently. I have found ways to lay it on too thick, and let's just face it - that's gotta be annoying... and I have dropped the ball mid-court, being a frilly optimist one moment, and a cynical sarcastic tool the next. I try to limit both of these scenarios, but can't say I've eliminated either.
And now that you've heard the up's and down's of my "character", let me enlighten you as to why it is a crummy trait to have...
I expect it back.
I don't live in the stone age (or in the East, for that matter!) People around me have manners and are very pleasant but there are oh-so-many hours wasted wondering what I've done to upset a person who hasn't reciprocated my gesture or shown appreciation. Why do I need this? I've never really considered myself high maintenance (well, I guess nobody ever does...) but why on Earth have I become the person who needs a constant pat on the back?
Simple recognition for a species such as myself can be as important as water. Without the knowledge that my gesture has been recognized, I allow it to dwell in both my conscious and subconscious. And if you're thinking I'm kinda pathetic (which I can handle, because this handicap does not involve thin skin) please note that this doesn't just mean I'm dwelling on one such instance. Because of my many daily interactions, there are thousands of opportunities for me to fret.
She didn't wave back. Hmmm... do you think she saw me? Maybe she didn't recognize me. Maybe she hates me...
His tone seemed a little sharp. Hmmm... - were the kids bothering him? Was he distracted? Maybe he hates me...
She hasn't called me back. Hmmm... maybe she's out of town. Maybe things are busy. Maybe she hates me...
That lady in line just sighed at me. Hmmm... maybe she's tired. Maybe she's in a hury. Maybe she hates me...
(It's sick, people!) I actually had a dream the other night regarding one of my over-dramatized situations. I need help. I've never really considered myself an over-sensitive person, and believe it or not, I still don't think of myself as one. I think this is something not related to being too sensitive (though my husband might disagree...)
Again, I need help. Somebody either needs to reassure me that this isn't all that abnormal or suggest a good therapist.
All of my life, I have felt some sort of natural pressure to go the extra mile for day-to-day people, whether they be family or strangers. As a child, I would not only go out of my way for a friend, but for her mother too. I was always told that I was polite (much like I now hear about Elliott), and would sit around and think up ways to make somebody feel special. When I was 8, I founded the "Winner's Club" solely because my friend was being snubbed by a popular girl. Later on, if a girlfriend was dumped or heart-broken, I would drop everything and designate a special day devoted entirely for her. And now as an adult I still try for this (whether the person seems to care that I'm around or not!) Whether it's a cashier at the grocery store or a childhood friend, I want them feel they're worth the fuss.
You might have a bright and shining image of my somewhat egotistical self-impressions, but let me assure you it's no indication that I always go about it properly or consistently. I have found ways to lay it on too thick, and let's just face it - that's gotta be annoying... and I have dropped the ball mid-court, being a frilly optimist one moment, and a cynical sarcastic tool the next. I try to limit both of these scenarios, but can't say I've eliminated either.
And now that you've heard the up's and down's of my "character", let me enlighten you as to why it is a crummy trait to have...
I expect it back.
I don't live in the stone age (or in the East, for that matter!) People around me have manners and are very pleasant but there are oh-so-many hours wasted wondering what I've done to upset a person who hasn't reciprocated my gesture or shown appreciation. Why do I need this? I've never really considered myself high maintenance (well, I guess nobody ever does...) but why on Earth have I become the person who needs a constant pat on the back?
Simple recognition for a species such as myself can be as important as water. Without the knowledge that my gesture has been recognized, I allow it to dwell in both my conscious and subconscious. And if you're thinking I'm kinda pathetic (which I can handle, because this handicap does not involve thin skin) please note that this doesn't just mean I'm dwelling on one such instance. Because of my many daily interactions, there are thousands of opportunities for me to fret.
She didn't wave back. Hmmm... do you think she saw me? Maybe she didn't recognize me. Maybe she hates me...
His tone seemed a little sharp. Hmmm... - were the kids bothering him? Was he distracted? Maybe he hates me...
She hasn't called me back. Hmmm... maybe she's out of town. Maybe things are busy. Maybe she hates me...
That lady in line just sighed at me. Hmmm... maybe she's tired. Maybe she's in a hury. Maybe she hates me...
(It's sick, people!) I actually had a dream the other night regarding one of my over-dramatized situations. I need help. I've never really considered myself an over-sensitive person, and believe it or not, I still don't think of myself as one. I think this is something not related to being too sensitive (though my husband might disagree...)
Again, I need help. Somebody either needs to reassure me that this isn't all that abnormal or suggest a good therapist.
posted by Felecia at Tuesday, September 19, 2006
4 Comments:
your not abnormal...
sadly, i do this too... i go above and beyond on occasion, and it, sometimes, devestates me when it's not reciprocated. Some of the things you said (cleverly ending in "she hates me") were almost exact quotes from my often deluted mind...
I feel the same way. I have just learned to not let it eat me up. Sometimes its harder to do that.
Keep being the nice person you are because you will always feel better for it.
Take care
OK. TOTALLY not trying to sound preachy. (but here comes the God reference) my life verse is Galatians 1:10 "Therefore are we now trying to win the approval of man or of God? If we are still trying to please men we are not serving Christ." Ouch. This hurts for me because I am, as my mother before me, a card-carrying people pleaser (OK, I don't carry a card). I think the key is the modivation. What you discribe in the beginning of your email sounds less like people pleasing and alot like simply loving people. Compassion. Empathy. Wonderful traits to have. You are a lover of people my dear cousin. I think that's super. :o) It's hard though, not to get insecure if the ones your loving on don't seem to love you back in ways that hit home for you, isn't it?
OR that person in line in front of you may just have excess gas and is so polite they're holding back.
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