From Tropical Breezes to Mickey Mouse Cheeses

Mom has been buzzing with excitement for the past year and a half. She wants a family vacation for us - all of us. Keith, the kids, Andy, myself and the boys; "8 is enough", if you will. I was extremely jazzed about it - I'm pretty hard up for a vacation and this is the year we can finally afford one provided our house doesn't self destruct as it did last year... (knock on wood, PLEASE somebody, knock on wood!)

Plans were going just as you might imagine; mom and I were pumped, giddy and busy talking about where we might stay, what we might do and where we might shop. But behind the scenes, Andy was cautious - his concern with mom and Keith's current marriage struggles kept him pretty sober. I ignored those similar voices in the back of my own head because of my desire to get away, have fun, create memories, etc. Anytime Andy would bring up a concern, I would hush it up, justify the opposite and scold him for being such a downer. Just last Friday I told him he was being selfish and simply using their unfortunate situation in order get out of it. "Can't you just suck it up and pretend to be excited too?!" He backed off, said he wasn't trying to rain on anybody's parade and promised to cease all major grumbling.

Last Saturday, I went to Mom's to visit with them for the purpose of this vacation. We got on the computer and found a website for a Sanabel Island vacation and planned it all out. We found the perfect 8-person condo unit, the perfect time to go and the only thing left was to place a deposit on it and see about some airline tickets. During our visit and for reasons unknown, Keith became upset with my mom and snapped at her in a harsh and accusational tone. Nobody batted an eyelash at this outburst - not him, not his kids... mom did her best to pretend it didn't happen and I did my best to appear unflustered by it. I quickly gathered my things (including Noah) and left. During my drive home I felt sick. I knew that everything Andy had been saying and suggesting was 100% correct. Not more than 30 minutes with Keith and he was already acting like a temperamental child - how were were supposed survive a week's worth of it successfully? I don't care how much I want this vacation - - there is just no way I could do it.

I spoke with Andy that evening. I was still on the fence about the whole thing, and thought perhaps getting separate hotel rooms would suffice but he assured me that he was indeed putting his foot down and calling it off. He explained that we had no business getting in the middle of what is currently a dysfunctional situation. I admitted that being around that type of behavior, whether it to toward my mom or a complete stranger is hard. (Have any of you noticed that when you spend a lot of time with people who fight, you tend to become argumentative yourself?) I didn't want to remember our long-awaited family vacation as a huge bust. I had terrifying images of me snapping at Keith, with both his and my children present. Who wants to live through something like that?

I called mom and broke the news about our decision and went as far as to state why. Mom was disappointed but very understanding. Keith was hardly disappointed and not at all understanding. I could hear his fumings in the background and finally, mom encouraged us to talk together as well. We engaged in a one-hour rip-roaring conversation where he proceeded to complain about mom, complain about their marriage, complain about this and complain about that. To be honest, it was mostly tattling. "Your mom actually did this to me!" "Your mom actually said that to me!" Never once accepting the fact that her behavior could have been provoked.

Just to give you a feel for his defensive and immature conduct, he brought up an incident that occurred over 3 years ago between Andy and me. He remembers me becoming upset with Andy on the 4th of July over shooting off bottle rockets too close to our neighbor's home. "You're not a very nice wife!" I sat stunned as he ranted about my own marital shortcomings. (Did he really feel this was helping his case?) That is only one example of how this very absurd telephone confrontation played out.

He then went on to do some more tattling on mom. Try as I might to stay calm, I completely lost my composure. To be honest I really felt this was the only way to make him shut up and listen to something other than his self-pitty for a change. I calmed down and tried to make him see what the rest of us are seeing. He simply would not listen to reason, he didn't want to resolve our differences and he was sure to let me know that I was wasting his time even trying.

There was no resuscitating this family vacation now. I'm not even sure that care to see Keith during the holidays. Whether getting involved was a good idea or not, here we are. Mom hurt in the sidelines of the outcome.

Andy and I have since made arrangements to take our kids to Disney World. I'm very excited - we've always talked about it and now that it's finally here - we're all a little in awe! Elliott's eyes widened as we showed him the brochures and even though Noah doesn't understand the concept yet, we know he'll be amazed by all that Disney has to offer.

...but I can't help but look over my shoulder and see that mom has lost out on the one thing she was looking forward to. She does so much for so many others and this is the thanks she gets. I can't put my family or myself through a week of misery thanks to Keith, but I very much HATE the feeling of hanging my mom out to dry. I suggested that just the two of us go away for a girls weekend at some point. Whether it involves taking a small road trip or splurging for another set of airline tickets, I have a strong desire to just get away with her and allow her to be spoiled for a change.

What now? What's a daughter to do? How can I help make this right?