Happy Holidays

Any Given Sunday...

I’ve been attempting to post about something that occurred over the weekend and have been unable to come up with the proper “comedy of error” voice that this particular quip deserves so I guess I’ll just come out with it.

It’s Sunday afternoon and we are running in all directions trying to get out the door to attend the Fire Department’s annual family Christmas party. The boys have their own idea of what “getting ready” means and therefore I am once again the last person in the household to put herself together (a/k/a damp ponytail and overcompensating lipstick…) For one reason or another, Andy and I are edgy and quick to pick each other apart too.

We pull it together finally and arrive at the party over 30 minutes late – this gives the boys just enough time to pet one lama each at the petting zoo, wash their hands, decorate a cookie and meet up with Santa; a real whirlwind afternoon.

I should mention here that the silver lining in this less-than-average afternoon was the presence of a huge platter of my favorite Christmas cookie –peanut butter blossoms. I found myself nibbling on more than my share and grabbed one for the road when Andy reminded me it was time to go (alas, more Christmas errands). I’m munching on my cookie, rolling my eyes at my family who still can’t seem to pull their act together with the hats & mittens I’ve already helped them twice with. For one reason or another, Andy is hanging back and allowing the boys to mess around rather than walking them to the exit. (Seriously, I thought I was the slow one here!!) Somewhat nauseous from the fresh animal smells, I breeze past a group of people congregated near the exit – give a polite “hello” to a familiar looking woman, turn around and address my family in an ultra-snotty tone “C’mon guys! The big prego is moving faster than you!” The familiar looking woman gives my sentiment a very hearty laugh.

You know how Hollywood helps us out at the end of “who done it” movies by piecing together all of the appropriate scenes to walk us through “who done it”? Well, my mind immediately blended together the scenes of that day to make me finally realize that this vaguely familiar looking woman was none other than Andy’s one and only ex-girlfriend. The one he dated when WE WERE ON A BREAK.

I’m not sure which realization first hit me… the fact that I had just sabotaged any chance I had at looking like little susie homemaker by being sassy with the kids; the fact that I hadn’t been a very loving wife that afternoon; the fact that I am sporting an extra 35 pounds these days (and please nobody say “but you’re pregnant” – that doesn’t count when it’s your husband’s ex!!); the vain fact that all I had managed was a sloppy ponytail that day or the fact that I still had cookie crumbs on my lips!!

Andy finally walks over and exchanges mild pleasantries with the woman I want to hate but can’t because she’s actually kinda nice. (And cute, damnitalltohell...) We meet her two kids and it’s then that I realize Andy is a little uncomfortable because he kept repeating their names after the introduction… "Emma and Carter... Emma and Carter... okay..." I stop the bizarre chanting by introducing our own children (whom I have immediately begun doting over, naturally) and then it was all I could do to get us to the door.

When we got outside and into the car, Elliott asked who that woman was. I said “that, son, was daddy’s old girlfriend.” He was quiet for a moment and finally said “she was his girlfriend girlfriend?” “Yup” He then let out a big “ieeeeeewwww”, to which I could only reply “I know.”

Slowly on his own road to recovery, Andy just laughed sheepishly and reached for his sassy and disheveled wife’s plump hand. Much as I hate to admit it, she helped kick things back into perspective and we were able to salvage the rest of our day together.